So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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