If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
