My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
