I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
