Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
