Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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