so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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