it was like his penis was on wheels.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have fence marks all over my body
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize