As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
