how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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