It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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