Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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