I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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