I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
