Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
