new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
