I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh god it's open bar.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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