Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
