you guys were way drunker than both of me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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