i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
