woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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