what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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