Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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