so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
