1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
