just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
