mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
