yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
