theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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