end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
