i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
