I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
