We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
