For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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