is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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