Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
