I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
