Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
