he wants to bone in the snuggie
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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