also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This toilet bowl is my home.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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