Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
