I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
