remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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