From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
