Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
