I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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