when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
