i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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