There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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