A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
