oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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