The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
