In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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