I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
