you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize