When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
