dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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